Anger Problems? Find the “Should” Behind Your Anger

We experience anger when our unrealistic demands, conceptualized in our minds as “should” or “must,” are unmet. Examples include, “I should work harder,” “People should treat me fairly,” “You must do what I tell you to do,” “I shouldn’t be angry,” etc. “Should” and “must” thinking arises from moralistic rules or perfectionistic demands to which we hold ourselves and others. Irrational "should" statements rest on one's assumption that one is entitled to instant gratification. However, being what it is, life does not respect your “shoulds” or “musts.” Moreover, no law says we should get what we want, any more than other people always get what they want.

How do you handle the “shoulds”?

1. Eliminate the words “should” and “must” when talking about expectations and replace them with “I hope,” or “I wish,” or “I prefer.” For example, “I wish things were different,” “I hope I can do well, but I can tolerate not being perfect,” “I wish things were different,” etc. In contrast to a perfectionist philosophy, a preferential philosophy of desires, wishes, and hopes makes you approach situations with less fear of failing, resort to less self-blame, and be more open and agreeable in other people’s eyes.

2. Become more accepting of reality and stop feeling entitled: Much of your anger stems from your unwillingness to face reality about yourself, other people, or the world. Similarly, you have to set your expectations in line with reality. For example, you arrive at a hotel and find out they don’t have the room you requested. You get angry because you feel entitled to get what you had booked. The hotel reservation clerk tells you that a convention is taking place at the hotel, and the type of room you requested is sold out. What are your choices? You can either sulk or give the clerk your piece of mind. However, the room you asked for will not magically reappear, and this will only add misery to your already frustrated state of mind. Or you can practice self-compassion to accept reality, let go of an entitled mindset, and use your energy to problem-solve. A helpful question to ask when your anger doesn’t change the outcome is, “What are the advantages versus disadvantages of holding on to my anger?”

3. Rethink your notions about fairness: Moralistic “shoulds” and “musts” are driven by your desire to be treated fairly, that others have to be treated fairly, and that the world should be a fair place to live in. Thus, when you perceive unfairness or injustice in a situation, it leads to frustration and anger. There is nothing like “absolute fairness.” What appears fair to one individual may seem unfair to another individual. People have different moral, cultural, and social rules that they use as yardsticks to judge situations. Anger builds when you start believing your rules apply to others and that anyone who doesn't abide by them is being unfair. Of course, there are generally accepted moral and ethical codes, as well as the laws of the land, that everyone has to follow. The rules that typically lead to conflict and anger are the more personal ones that you have created based on your past experiences and observations. To avoid getting frustrated and angry due to perceived unfairness, you must broaden your definition of fairness to include what is fair to others and eliminate the concept of “absolute fairness.” Valuable questions to ask yourself in situations where you perceive unfairness are below:

• “Am I interpreting this situation as unfair based on rules or standards mostly personal to me?”
• “In what ways is the other person perceiving this situation differently than I am?”
• “Do I really need to feel this entitled?”
• “Is this demand for fairness helping or hurting me?”
• “Do I really have control over how others should think or behave?”
• “Why must things be only as I expect them to be?”
• “Am I perceiving this conflict situation as a personal attack on my worth or other things?
• “Is my need to be in control making me angry and pushing people away?”

4. Avoid the “common sense” trap: Another reason why you may resort to “shoulds” and “musts” is that you perceive that it is common sense for you or others to think and act in specific ways in certain situations. This notion of common sense is a cousin of the idea of fairness in that what appears common sense to some may seem nonsense to others. The definition of common sense, according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, is “sound and prudent judgment based on a simple perception of the situation or facts.” The problem here is that this “simple perception” varies amongst individuals, leading to various “sound and prudent” judgments. Therefore, common sense isn’t as “common” as you think. Hence, the next time you get angry because somebody didn’t do what was “common sense,” pause and reflect if you are falling for the common sense trap.

To learn more about evidence-based self-management techniques that are proven to work for depression, check out Dr. Duggal's Author Page.

HARPREET S. DUGGAL, MD, FAPA