Self-Management of Depression

If you have felt the urge to offer someone an opinion or solution even when one is not solicited, you have been giving in to what is called the righting reflex—the desire to fix what seems wrong with people and to set them promptly on a better course (Miller & Rollnick, 2013). Though natural and well-intentioned, this urge to fix someone else's problems can significantly damage interpersonal relationships by causing resistance, defensiveness, and resentment. It often hinders effective communication and prevents the other person from finding their own solutions. How the righting reflex negatively affects relationships Creates resistance and defensiveness: When you jump in to fix a problem, the other person can feel like you are criticizing their judgment or ability to handle their own issues. This can lead them to argue against your suggestions or defend their current choices, creating an unproductive conflict. Shifts the dynamic to a parent-child relationship: This behavior po...

There are some social rituals that we cannot avoid, especially when interacting with people we don’t know, and nothing is more universally disliked than the ritual of small talk. Small talk is a fine art that balances the use of some better questions to open the conversation and then navigate the talk without lingering on obligatory foundational topics about how one’s weekend was or discussing the weather. If you find yourself avoiding social interactions because you're uncomfortable and embarrassed about small talk, here are eight ways to improve at it and avoid making it awkward or superficial (Duhigg, 2024; Haupt, 2023; Lee, 2025). 1. Ask better questions. To facilitate conversation, avoid conversational dead-end questions that can be responded to in a single word, such as "How was your weekend?" or "How are you?" Also, avoid fact-based questions like "Where do you live?" Instead, ask questions that invite people to elaborate on their experience...

Though sounding simple, learning to accept and change are powerful strategies that keep relationships intact. “Accepting” your partner means that you are tolerating your partner’s unpleasant or offensive behavior while at the same time trying to understand the deeper meaning of that behavior and putting it in the larger context of your relationship with your partner (Christensen et al., 2014). For example, an individual may become more accepting of their partner’s introverted nature or tendency to criticize. Do not confuse acceptance with submission. Submission is enduring offensive behavior from a position of weakness as one has no alternative. In contrast, acceptance is tolerating offensive behavior from a position of strength as you choose to do so while seeing the offensive behavior in the larger context of your relationship with your partner. Acceptance also doesn’t mean one cannot assertively differ from one's partner, resist one's aversive behavior, or try to limit it....

When we discuss communication, we primarily focus on speaking, writing, and reading. Listening is seldom emphasized as a primary form of communication, even though it enables us to satisfy an individual’s deep psychological needs – to be understood, affirmed, validated, and appreciated (Covey, 2020). We mostly listen not to understand but to prepare a response, judge, or interpret information through our own motives and frame of reference. These poor listening styles can be subsumed under these 10 categories (Covey, 2014; Harvard Business Review Press, 2019): 1. Spacing out or ignoring is when you zone out because you are too preoccupied with your own thoughts. This does happen to all of us, but you don’t want to be labelled as a spacey person if this keeps happening to you.  2. Pretend or removed listening is where you may be multitasking and give the speaker the impression that you are paying attention using fillers like “yeah,” uh-huh,” “right,” “cool” or throwing in “lol” or ...

The Guilt Trip Script We have all been subjected to guilt trips by our parents, children, teachers, friends, or other loved ones. In a guilt trip, people close to you may use guilt to manipulate you into doing things they want you to do. The usual script for this is, “If you don’t do X, then I or someone else important to you will feel Y,” where “X” is what the guilt-inducer is trying to get you to do, and “Y” are the bad consequences of you not doing those things. For example, “If you don’t call me every day, then I would feel that you don’t care about me.” Other ways by which people induce guilt include the following (Dyer, 1995): Taking a victim’s position – “I am the one who suffered in this relationship, and now you do this to me.” Evoking guilt by highlighting one’s illness – “Never mind my bad back, I can do this.” Comparing to others – “John’s father lets him do this. You don’t love me anymore because if you did, you would never treat me like this.” Comparing to ideal goals – “...

Conflicts and arguments are an inevitable part of any relationship. However, there are strategies that will help you either avoid conflicts or handle them more constructively. The article discusses three such techniques.  1. Don’t do the “ABCDE” behaviors during communication The acronym “ABCDE” refers to certain types of communication behaviors that increase conflict in a relationship and include the following (Duggal, 2016): Accusation: Accusations usually are “You always …” or “You never…” statements. Accusations may have some kernel of truth in them, but that gets exaggerated and dramatized by the heat of the argument. Accusations lead to counteraccusations and defensiveness, and take the focus away from one’s own shortcomings and from resolving the conflict at hand. Blame: Individuals may blame their partner’s actions for a problem or blame their mental illness, moral weakness, or personal inadequacies for the problems the couple is facing. For example, “If you had taken tho...

Improving communication is a proven intervention for improving relationships and entails not only learning how to address negative issues in a relationship but also how to consistently express positive feelings to each other. When you communicate, you are doing one of three things: 1. Speaking: Sending a message or sharing your thoughts or feelings. 2. Listening: Hearing and paying attention to what the other person is telling you. 3. Responding: Replying or answering back to your partner after listening to them. Failure to communicate can stem from a problem in any or all of these communication processes. Below are some guidelines to improve your communication skills (Duggal, 2018): Improving Speaking Skills  Establish and maintain eye contact with your partner to ensure they know you're paying attention. Speak in a clear and direct fashion. Don’t beat around the bush and play games. Make sure that what you are communicating is in line with your non-verbal communica...

When good fortune knocks, our first response is often to contact significant others to share the news. Sharing good news with others promotes well-being by enhancing positive emotions and satisfaction in one's life (Gable et al., 2004). That's obvious. Here's the catch! It's not the sharing of good news per se, but how one responds to the good news that actually determines its positive impact on a relationship. Gable and colleagues elaborate that people respond to their partner’s sharing of good news in four different ways. Below is an exercise to gauge what your partner’s response to your sharing of good news is (or what your response is being perceived by your partner) (Gable et al., 2004): "Please take a moment to consider how your partner responds when you tell him or her about something good that has happened to you. For example, imagine coming home and telling your partner about receiving a promotion at work, having a great conversation with a family mem...

You may have a hard time saying no to other people because you are afraid that you will hurt others, appear selfish, look as if you don’t care, or risk a relationship. You may also want people to like you and, especially if you struggle with self-esteem issues, saying "no" may be contrary to your subconscious approval-seeking tendencies. However, you may not have the energy or motivation to do what others want you to do. You then struggle to accomplish what you have said “yes” to, which drives more guilt. You can break this guilt cycle by learning to say “no.” Why is it okay to say “no”? Here are a few good reasons why it is okay to say “no”: Accept that you are not a superhuman who can do everything that everyone wants. Saying “no” doesn’t make you selfish, as you have said “yes” several times to several people in the past. By saying “no,” you are only trying to strike a balance between how much responsibility you can and cannot handle. Pleasing everyone every time b...

Family and friends are one's immediate support system. Individuals with depression may avoid sharing their symptoms with their family or close friends due to the perceived stigma. Some don’t share their feelings to avoid burdening others, and there's also a fear of being perceived as weak and needy. Unless you have a very critical and judgmental person who is not accepting of depression as an illness, your family and friends would appreciate your efforts to reach out and be candid about your depression. You must educate your family about depression using scientifically based information. Local chapters and websites for organizations such as the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) and the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA) have information for family members and friends regarding depression. Information about depression is also available on the National Institute for Mental Health website. You also have to advocate for yourself in how you want to be trea...

The acronym “ABCDE” refers to certain types of communication behaviors that increase conflict and marital/intimate relationship distress. These behaviors get heightened when one is depressed, as depression rekindles negative, irrational thought patterns such as all-or-none thinking, overgeneralization, jumping to conclusions, blowing things out of proportion, taking things personally, disqualifying positives, and negatively labeling oneself or others. Here's what you need to avoid during communication with your partner (Beach et al., 1998; Christensen et al., 2014; Starr & Davila, 2008): A ccusation:  Accusations usually are “You always …” or “You never…” statements. Accusations may have some kernel of truth in them, but that gets exaggerated and dramatized by the heat of the argument. Accusations lead to counteraccusations and defensiveness, taking the focus away from one’s own shortcomings and from resolving the conflict at hand. B lame:  Individuals may b...

If you are human, you will be on the receiving end of criticism. Criticism can be helpful, especially if it provides you feedback for improvement whereas at other times it is tantamount to bullying. Therefore, criticism needs to be handled depending on its type (Lazarus & Lazarus, 2000). 1. Irrelevant criticism: This kind of criticism comes from an individual who is critical of everyone or everything to the extent that they would make critical comments about something that is totally out of context and not relevant to the situation. For example, you are talking to your neighbor about an upcoming vacation you are planning and in the midst of your conversation, your neighbor states “….by the way you appear to be gaining weight.” Irrelevant criticism doesn’t deserve your response and is best ignored. Say, “OK, I appreciate you letting me know” and shift back to the conversation on hand. 2. Vague criticism: In this type of criticism, you are not sure if the person critici...