Though sounding simple, learning to accept and change are powerful strategies that keep relationships intact. “Accepting” your partner means that you are tolerating your partner’s unpleasant or offensive behavior while at the same time trying to understand the deeper meaning of that behavior and putting it in the larger context of your relationship with your partner (Christensen et al., 2014). For example, an individual may become more accepting of their partner’s introverted nature or tendency to criticize. Do not confuse acceptance with submission. Submission is enduring offensive behavior from a position of weakness as one has no alternative. In contrast, acceptance is tolerating offensive behavior from a position of strength as you choose to do so while seeing the offensive behavior in the larger context of your relationship with your partner. Acceptance also doesn’t mean one cannot assertively differ from one's partner, resist one's aversive behavior, or try to limit it.
“Change,” on the other hand, occurs when the perpetrator of the unpleasant behavior does the unpleasant behavior less frequently or with less intensity. For example, a person who criticizes their partner may decrease the frequency or intensity of their criticism. Change can happen spontaneously when you feel an inner desire to do things differently, or it can occur deliberately when you change in response to your partner's demands. Spontaneous change is more gratifying as it comes with fewer emotional strings.
One-sided acceptance or change may lead to resolving relationship conflicts, but the best solution to most problems involves acceptance by one partner and change by the other. For example, one partner becomes more accepting of the other partner’s criticism because they feel that the intention of the criticizing partner is not to deliberately put them down but to guide them, and, unfortunately, this is their way of doing it. The criticizing partner changes the way they express displeasure toward the receiving partner by avoiding hurtful labels (e.g., “you are an idiot”) or by refraining from bringing up past issues (e.g., “you never …” or “you always…”). You may ask, “Between acceptance and change, what should happen first?” Andrew Christensen and colleagues recommend that acceptance is the best place to start, as acceptance makes you less defensive, helps you understand your partner better, is not driven by pressure and coercion, and is more likely to foster a spontaneous change in your partner (Christensen et al., 2014). However, you should never accept certain things, including the following three circumstances:
1. Violence, destruction, and physical coercion
2. Psychological, emotional, and verbal abuse
3. Infidelity
Below are some questions that will help you facilitate change in your partner and yourself:
“Am I invoking emotional vulnerabilities by requesting change?”
“Am I justifying the request to change as an urgent need?”
“Am I justifying the request to change by comparing to others?"
“Am I justifying the request to change by appealing to fairness or love?”
- “What changes would I like from my partner?”
- “Can I put these changes in a more specific request that focuses on positive actions rather than stopping negative actions?”
- If my request to change does not make a difference, then
“Am I invoking emotional vulnerabilities by requesting change?”
“Am I justifying the request to change as an urgent need?”
“Am I justifying the request to change by comparing to others?"
“Am I justifying the request to change by appealing to fairness or love?”
- “What specific and simple changes could I make for my partner that my partner would like me to?”
- “What actions of mine may get in the way of change rather than facilitating change?”
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