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Is the Righting Reflex Sabotaging your Relationships?



If you have felt the urge to offer someone an opinion or solution even when one is not solicited, you have been giving in to what is called the righting reflex—the desire to fix what seems wrong with people and to set them promptly on a better course (Miller & Rollnick, 2013). Though natural and well-intentioned, this urge to fix someone else's problems can significantly damage interpersonal relationships by causing resistance, defensiveness, and resentment. It often hinders effective communication and prevents the other person from finding their own solutions.

How the righting reflex negatively affects relationships

  • Creates resistance and defensiveness: When you jump in to fix a problem, the other person can feel like you are criticizing their judgment or ability to handle their own issues. This can lead them to argue against your suggestions or defend their current choices, creating an unproductive conflict.
  • Shifts the dynamic to a parent-child relationship: This behavior positions one person as the "knower" with all the answers and the other as a helpless person who needs to be fixed. This erodes trust and mutual respect, which are essential for a healthy adult relationship.
  • Stifles autonomy and confidence: By immediately providing solutions, you prevent the other person from developing their own problem-solving skills. This can make them feel disempowered and less confident in their own abilities over time.
  • Undermines empathy and listening: When you are focused on providing a solution, you stop listening to understand the other person's perspective and feelings. This makes them feel unheard and misunderstood, and it prevents them from simply having a safe space to vent or process their feelings.
  • Exacerbates the conflict: In romantic relationships, the righting reflex can escalate an argument and pull it away from the core issue. For example, a minor disagreement over household chores can escalate into a larger fight when one partner feels attacked and the other feels their advice is being dismissed.

How to resist the righting reflex

You can build healthier communication patterns by intentionally resisting the urge to fix things. This shifts the focus from directing the other person toward your solution to empowering them to find their own. Here are some ways to accomplish this (Adams, 2001; Hoover, 2024).
  • Acknowledge their autonomy. Respect that the other person is the only one who can decide what to do, and that their choices are their own, including the consequences. You can say things like, "I respect that this is your decision to make," which reinforces their control over their life.
  • Practice reflective listening. Instead of offering advice, repeat or summarize what you have heard to show you understand. Expressing empathy helps the other person feel heard and allows them to clarify their thoughts. Phrases like "So it sounds like you are feeling..." or "What I am hearing is..." are effective.
  • Give the person space to talk: Sometimes people just need to speak and may be seeking validation for their feelings rather than a solution. Resist the urge to listen to the person from your point of view—self-centered listening —which is premised on the false assumption "Oh, I know exactly how you feel."
  • Ask open-ended questions. Use questions that encourage them to explore their own motivations and ideas, rather than closed-ended questions with a simple "yes" or "no" answer. Good examples include:
            "What have you considered so far?"
            "What do you think might work?"
            "What are your ideas for how to handle this?"
  • Ask for permission. If you have a strong desire to offer an idea, ask for their permission first. For example: "Would you be open to hearing my perspective on this?" or "I have an idea that might help. Are you interested in hearing it?"
  • Manage your own feelings. Sometimes the righting reflex is driven by your own anxiety or worry. By recognizing that their problem is not yours to solve, you can soothe your own emotions and stay calm, rather than projecting your feelings onto them. A useful question to ask yourself in this context is: "What was I afraid would happen if they didn't follow my advice?"
We have all been guilty of the righting reflex, which naturally comes from a selfless motive to help others. However, oversuing the "I know what you should do, and here's how to do it" communicating style may push people away from you. This doesn't mean you have to stop giving people advice; it means respecting others' autonomy, giving them space to talk, and asking for their permission before expressing your opinions.

Visit Dr. Duggal’s Author Page to explore effective self-management strategies for enhancing mental health and well-being.

HARPREET S. DUGGAL, MD, FAPA

REFERENCES

Adams, M. (2021). The righting reflex, its dangers, and how we can avoid it. Aspen Psychological Services. https://www.aspenpsychologyservices.co.uk/blog/the-righting-reflex-its-dangers-and-how-we-can-avoid-it

Hoover, V. (2024). How to resist the urge to fix everything: Why and how to resist the urge to fix. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/awakening-motivation-for-change/202410/overcoming-the-fixing-reflex

Miller, W. R., & Rollnick, S. (2013). Motivational Interviewing: Helping People Change. (3rd ed.). The Guildford Press.
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