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Guilt Trip: How to Recognize and Deal with It



The Guilt Trip Script

We have all been subjected to guilt trips by our parents, children, teachers, friends, or other loved ones. In a guilt trip, people close to you may use guilt to manipulate you into doing things they want you to do. The usual script for this is, “If you don’t do X, then I or some else important to you will feel Y,” where “X” is what the guilt-inducer is trying to get you to do, and “Y” are the bad consequences of you not doing those things. For example, “If you don’t call me every day, then I would feel that you don’t care about me.” Other ways by which people induce guilt include the following (Dyer, 1995):
  • Taking a victim’s position – “I am the one who suffered in this relationship and now you do this to me.”
  • Evoking guilt by highlighting one’s illness – “Never mind my bad back, I can do this.”
  • Comparing to others – “John’s father lets him do this. You don’t love me anymore because if you did, you would never treat me like this.”
  • Comparing to ideal goals – “An Intelligent and mature person like you should know better.”
  • Invoking religious themes to induce guilt with the premise that you are letting down God if you don’t behave a certain way.
  • Whining about how hard things are until you feel guilty.
  • Using non-verbal gestures such as long silences or hurtful looks.

How to Deal with Guilt-Inducers

Dealing with guilt-inducers calls for tact as in most cases these are your loved ones or important people in your life. Some suggestions are as under (Burns, 1999; Dyer, 1995; Gilbert, 2001):
  • You allow yourself to be manipulated into feeling guilty by others only if they know that you are vulnerable. You can choose not to be vulnerable. Ask yourself, “Does this person know that I crave approval and they are using this to manipulate me?”
  • If someone points out a mistake, then learn from it and move on. Feeling guilty about mistakes only immobilizes you in the past and doesn’t help you learn and grow.
  • Use disarming techniques to defuse the guilt-inducer when they use a victim’s position or their illness to invoke guilt. Disarming involves acknowledging their emotions using empathic statements and agreeing with the parts that are true. For example, use statements beginning with, “I understand how you feel…” or “I agree with what you said…”
  • By focusing on the guilt-inducer’s underlying feelings, you may uncover their own insecurities that can be addressed by means other than your actions. Use “I feel X, when you say Y” statements if you are trying to do this to prevent the guilt-inducer from getting defensive. For instance, “I feel that there may be an underlying fear of being alone when you say that you will get sick if I were to leave. I can assure you that you will not be alone as you have a lot of family members who care about your wellbeing.”
  • For people who whine and complain, you can empathize with their hardships and then change the subject without agreeing to help or you can avoid having any contact with them for a while.
  • Tell yourself that it is not you but the other person’s style of relying on guilt to manipulate people to get things done their way.
  • Tell the guilt-inducer that you are not being affected by their guilt-evoking statements. For example, “If you really think that you will get sick if I leave, then there is nothing much I can do to dissuade you from thinking that.”
  • Be assertive and point out to the guilt-inducer what they are exactly doing. For instance, “I believe you are using your illness to get me to do things you want.” However, you run the risk of straining your relationship and, therefore, this approach is only advised after you have exhausted all other strategies.
If you are prone to depression, then you may be more vulnerable to being guilt-tripped. This is because people with depression may be struggling with a low self-esteem and getting approval from others, which is what happens when one gives into a guilt trip, gives a temporary boost to one's self-worth.

To learn more about evidence-based self-management techniques that promote mental health and well-being, check out Dr. Duggal's Author Page.

HARPREET S. DUGGAL, MD, FAPA

REFERENCES

Burns, D. D. (1999). Feeling good: The new mood therapy. New York, NY: Avon Books.

Dyer, W. W. (1995). Your erroneous zones. New York, NY: Harper Paperbacks.

Gilbert, P. (2001). Overcoming depression: A step-by-step approach to gaining control over depression (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Oxford University Press, Inc.



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