Skip to main content

Eight Ways to Master the Art of Small Talk



There are some social rituals that we cannot avoid, especially when interacting with people we don’t know, and nothing is more universally disliked than the ritual of small talk. Small talk is a fine art that balances the use of some better questions to open the conversation and then navigate the talk without lingering on obligatory foundational topics about how one’s weekend was or discussing the weather. If you find yourself avoiding social interactions because you're uncomfortable and embarrassed about small talk, here are eight ways to improve at it and avoid making it awkward or superficial (Duhigg, 2024; Haupt, 2023; Lee, 2025).

1. Ask better questions. To facilitate conversation, avoid conversational dead-end questions that can be responded to in a single word, such as "How was your weekend?" or "How are you?" Also, avoid fact-based questions like "Where do you live?" Instead, ask questions that invite people to elaborate on their experiences:
  • "What was the highlight of your weekend?"  
  • "What's been the favorite part of ... (event, work, travel, etc) so far?" 
  • "What are you excited to be working on?"

2. Improve your replies. Autopilot questions like "How was your weekend?" tend to get responded to with autopilot replies, "Great, thanks, how was yours?" To make the conversation flow, create conversation threads that the other person can pull on by adding their experience. In the above scenario, a response such as, "It was great. I played tennis with my son" offers the listener a couple of conversation threads they can tug on to move the conversation. They can ask you about tennis or your son. 

3. Ask better follow-up questions. Once the conversation has started, actively listen to identify any threads the speaker offers that you can pull on. For example, if they state that they live in a particular city or do a certain kind of job, ask deeper questions about values, feelings, opinions, or experiences. Some questions that facilitate a more meaningful conversation include:
  • "How do you feel about...?"
  • "How would you feel if ... happened to you?"
  • "What's the best part of your ...?"
  • "What do you think about...?"
  • "Why do you think ...?"
  • "If you could learn anything from..., what would it be?"
  • "What advice would you give to a ...?"
  • "Did it make you happy when ...?"
  • "What keeps you busy outside of ...?" (work or school)

4. Take cues from your surroundings. If you are struggling to come up with conversation topics, then discuss topics that you and the other person are sharing at that moment. Some questions to help with this include:
  • "How do you know ...(common friend or acquaintance)?" 
  • "How did you get involved in ...?" (event, activity, hobby)
  • "What keeps you interested in ...?"
  • "What do you like about ...?"

5. Move beyond the foundational topics. Once you have moved beyond the usual conversation starter topics and are comfortable with where the small talk is going, move to deeper topics. This may begin with self-disclosure to test the waters if the other person wants to get to a level that may make them feel more vulnerable. These are conversations around one's feelings and judgments about family, work, hobbies, and the past. If you already know someone, open-ended inquiries like "bring me up to speed" or "catch me up on" will facilitate the conversation. 

6. Choose your compliments wisely. Avoid complimenting one's looks, as that can cross the line and make others uncomfortable. If you are curious about somebody's outfit, jewelry, bag, or tattoo, statements like "Oh, I love your..." can be a good icebreaker. 

7. Skip controversial topics. Avoid controversial topics like religion and politics. Sometimes asking about marriage and kids can also make things uncomfortable for an individual, and it is best to wait for cues from the other person to see if they are open to discussing these topics. 

8. Know how to end the conversation gracefully. Pay attention to verbal and non-verbal cues that your conversation is getting dragged on for too long. If you are the host, introduce the person to another individual with a statement about some common attributes they share and exit using a statement like, "I will let you two get to know each other." In other circumstances, say, "It was nice meeting you, and I enjoyed hearing about..." 

Visit Dr. Duggal’s Author Page to explore effective self-management strategies for enhancing mental health and well-being.

HARPREET S. DUGGAL, MD, FAPA

REFERENCES

Duhigg, C. (2024). Supercommunicators: How to unlock the secret language of connection. Random House.

Haupt, H (2023). 7 ways to get better at small talk - and why you should. Time. https://time.com/6280607/small-talk-tips-benefits/

Lee, L. K. (2025). To avoid 'awkward, superficial' small talk, make one little change, say communication expert. https://www.cnbc.com/2025/02/17/avoid-awkward-superficial-small-talk-make-one-little-change-communication-expert.html






Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Value-Based Goals: The Antidote for “Success Depression”

A disconnect between your present accomplishments and your core values may make you suffer from success depression  wherein despite “having it all” (e.g., successful career, stable relationships, healthy children, etc.), you still struggle with depression and view your accomplishments as hollow (Zettle, 2007). The cure for this malaise is to clarify your core values and have goals and actions that are driven by these values. Psychotherapist Russ Harris describes values as our heart’s deepest desires for the way we want to interact with the world, other people, and ourselves. They are what we want to stand for in life, how we want to behave, what sort of person we want to be, and what sort of strengths and qualities we want to develop (Harris, 2009). Values are subjective; what one may consider as a value (e.g., being famous) may be considered as being cocky by another person. Moreover, values do change with time. For instance, you may value social popularity and raising a fa...
Post a Comment
Read more

7 Questions That Will Help You Overcome Anxiety, Fear and Panic

Anxiety, fear, and panic are associated with irrational thoughts involving themes of threat or danger. These irrational thoughts take the form of “if” or “what if” beliefs. For example, a person who is afraid of heights may think, “If I am on the elevator alone and it gets stuck, no one will be able to save me,” or a person with panic disorder may believe, “If my heart beats too fast, it means that I am probably having a heart attack.” The “if” and “what if” thinking in anxiety disorders is a byproduct of your irrational thought patterns, including magnification, catastrophizing, overgeneralizing, and “should” and “must statements.” Sometimes, anxiety is a result of genuine problems or situations that have no solutions. How does one then decide to challenge one's irrational thinking or problem-solve, or try acceptance strategies? The seven questions that will help you guide your decision to choose one path over another to overcome anxiety are as follows:  What is the likelihoo...
2 comments
Read more

Urge Surfing: A Mindful Way to Manage Cravings and Impulses

Urge surfing is a mindfulness-based technique to help individuals manage and overcome cravings and impulses. Developed by clinical psychologist Alan Marlatt, urge surfing involves observing and riding out the waves of urges without giving in to them (Marlatt et al., 2004). This technique is particularly useful for individuals dealing with substance abuse, overeating, or other compulsive behaviors (Bowen & Marlatt, 2009). Urge surfing is also a popular emotion regulation skill in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) (Linehan, 2015). Emotions prompt behaviors (e.g., fight in anger, flight in fear) and prepare the body for action. Urges are the precursor for action and urge surfing curbs emotions from triggering maladaptive actions. Urge surfing is based on the premise that cravings and urges are like waves in the ocean. They rise in intensity, reach a peak, and then gradually subside. By visualizing urges as waves, individuals can learn to "surf" rather than being overwhelmed...
Post a Comment
Read more