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3 Ways to Handle Conflicts in a Relationship



Conflicts and arguments are an inevitable part of any relationship. However, there are strategies that will help you either avoid conflicts or handle them in a more constructive way. The article discusses three such techniques. 

1. Don’t do the “ABCDE” behaviors during communication

The acronym “ABCDE” refers to certain types of communication behaviors that increase conflict in a relationship and include the following (Duggal, 2016):

Accusation: Accusations usually are “You always …” or “You never…” statements. Accusations may have some kernel of truth in them but that gets exaggerated and dramatized by the heat of the argument. Accusations lead to counteraccusations and defensiveness and takes away the focus from one’s own shortcomings and also from resolving the conflict on hand.

Blame: Individuals may blame their partner’s actions for a problem or blame their mental illness, moral weakness, or personal inadequacies for the problems the couple is facing. For example, “If you had taken those medications, then we would have been able to go on this trip.”

Coercion: People use coercion to force their partners to do what they want by making demands, threats, nagging, criticizing, complaining, and inducing guilt. The partner at the receiving end gives into the coercion as they want peace and this reinforces the behavior of the coercive partner. However, over time the receiving partner may get used to this coercion and ignore the demands of the coercive partner, which may result in the latter escalating their coercive tactics, eventually leading to more discord.

Defensiveness: Defensiveness is the usual reaction of a partner on the receiving end of accusation or blame but only adds to the argument and conflict. Defensiveness really amounts to saying, “The problem isn’t me, it’s you.”

Excessive reassurance seeking: Excessive reassurance seeking is repeatedly requesting reassurance from your partner that you are lovable and worthy. Examples include, “Do you still love me?” or “Am I a good person?” or “Are you going to stay with me?” Excessive reassurance seeking wears out your partner and they start feeling burdened, frustrated, and helpless and their reassurances start getting tinged with irritation.

2. Use the “STOP” and “START” techniques to handle arguments 

These techniques help you deal with your emotions and response in the heat of an argument (Christensen et al., 2014):

STOP technique: STOP is a technique used in mindfulness training and stands for:
S: Stop what you are doing.
T: Take a deep breath.
O: Observe the interaction between you and your partner.
P: Proceed differently with the interaction. For example, recognize and don’t engage in the “ABCDE” behaviors as described previously. On the contrary, label the pattern of behavior with statements such as, “Here we go with our usual dance,” or “I think we are getting into it again.” 

START technique: The acronym START stands for:
S: Stop what you are doing.
T: Take a deep breath.
A: Attend to the emotions inside you.
R: Reveal your emotional state to your partner. For example, “I am starting to feel upset about this situation.” Even if you can’t pinpoint what the exact emotion is or what triggered it, it is OK to express it using a statement such as, “I am beginning to feel tense but don’t know why.”
T: Take an interest in what is going on emotionally with your partner. This can be accomplished either by gently asking your partner what they are experiencing at the moment or reflecting on what they are feeling if you are aware of their emotional state. Be cautious with the second approach because it can backfire if you mislabel your partner’s emotion.

When you are emotionally charged during an argument, your impaired judgment precludes you from gauging your own or your partner’s emotions. STOP and START techniques provide you an option in these situations to take a step back from the heat of the conversation and interrupt your dysfunctional pattern of interaction and try a more constructive approach.

3. Know the difference between complaint and criticism

When you want to express disagreement or dissatisfaction with your partner, you can either complain or criticize. If you know the difference between these two approaches, it is a no-brainer that complaining is the preferable way. A complaint focuses on a specific behavior or event and has three components (Gottman & Silver, 2015):
  • How you feel? (e.g., “I am really upset.”)
  • The specific situation you have feelings about. (e.g., “You didn’t do the dishes last night.”)
  • What do you now need/want/prefer? (e.g., “I want you to do the dishes now.”)
Criticism, in contrast, is a global expression of negative feelings or judgments about the other’s character or personality. For example, “What is wrong with you? How can you be so forgetful? You just don’t care.” Criticisms often contain phrases such as “you always” or “you never.” Not uncommonly, one may start with a complaint that then morphs into a criticism as the discussion gets more heated. An example below clarifies the difference between a complaint and a criticism.

Complaint: The dishes are still in the sink. I am upset that you didn’t take care of it like you said you would. Could you please deal with it now?

Criticism: Why can’t you ever remember anything? You can’t do the only chore you are expected to do. You are so careless.

Recognizing this difference will help you nip the negativity of criticism in the bud before it starts to affect your relationship.

To learn more about evidence-based self-management techniques that are proven to work for depression, check out Dr. Duggal's Author Page.

HARPREET S. DUGGAL, MD, FAPA

REFERENCES

Christensen, A., Doss, B. D., & Jacobson, N. S. (2014). Reconcilable differences (2nd ed.). New York, NY: The Guilford Press.

Duggal, H.S. (2016). The Complete Guide to Self-Management of Depression. Bloomington, IN: Archway Publishing.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York, NY: Harmony Books.

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