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The “ABCDE” Behaviors that Derail Relationships When You are Feeling Depressed


The acronym “ABCDE” refers to certain types of communication behaviors that increase conflict and marital/intimate relationship distress. These behaviors get heightened when one is depressed, as depression rekindles negative, irrational thought patterns such as all-or-none thinking, overgeneralization, jumping to conclusions, blowing things out of proportion, taking things personally, disqualifying positives, and negatively labeling oneself or others. Here's what you need to avoid during communication with your partner (Beach et al., 1998; Christensen et al., 2014; Starr & Davila, 2008):

Accusation: Accusations usually are “You always …” or “You never…” statements. Accusations may have some kernel of truth in them, but that gets exaggerated and dramatized by the heat of the argument. Accusations lead to counteraccusations and defensiveness, taking the focus away from one’s own shortcomings and from resolving the conflict at hand.

Blame: Individuals may blame their partner’s actions for a problem or blame their mental illness, moral weakness, or personal inadequacies for the problems the couple is facing. For example, “If you had taken those medications, then we would have been able to go on this trip.”

Coercion: People use coercion to force their partners to do what they want by making demands, threats, nagging, criticizing, complaining, and inducing guilt. The partner on the receiving end gives in to coercion because they want peace, which reinforces the coercive partner's behavior. However, over time, the receiving partner may become accustomed to this coercion and ignore the coercive partner's demands, which may lead the latter to escalate their coercive tactics, ultimately resulting in greater marital discord.  

Defensiveness: Defensiveness is the usual reaction of a partner on the receiving end of an accusation or blame, but it only adds to the argument and conflict. Defensiveness really amounts to saying, “The problem isn’t me, it’s you.” The innocent-victim stance is an uncommon variant of defensiveness (Gottman & Silver, 2015). The user of this stance often whines and sends the message, “Why are you picking on me? What about all the good things I do? There’s no pleasing you.”

Excessive reassurance-seeking: Excessive reassurance-seeking is repeatedly requesting reassurance from your partner that you are lovable and worthy. Examples include, “Do you still love me?” or “Am I a good person?” or “Are you going to stay with me?” Excessive reassurance-seeking wears out your partner; they start feeling burdened, frustrated, and helpless, and their reassurances start to be tinged with irritation. This then leads to either true or perceived rejection that develops, maintains, and worsens depression, and with higher levels of depression, the demands for reassurance also increase, thus creating a vicious cycle (Allen, 2006).

To learn more about evidence-based self-management techniques that are proven to work for depression, check out Dr. Duggal's Author Page.

HARPREET S. DUGGAL, MD, FAPA


REFERENCES

Allen, J. G. (2006). Coping with depression: From catch-22 to hope. Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Publishing, Inc.

Beach, S. R. H., Fincham, F. D., & Katz, J. (1998). Marital therapy in the treatment of depression: toward a third generation of therapy and research. Clinical Psychology Review, 18(6), 625-661.

Christensen, A., Doss, B. D., & Jacobson, N. S. (2014). Reconcilable differences (2nd ed.). New York, NY: The Guilford Press.

Gottman J. M., & Silver, N (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York, NY: Harmony Books.


Starr, L. R., & Davila, J. (2008). Excessive reassurance seeking, depression, and interpersonal rejection. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 117 (4), 762-775. 
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