4 Ways to Cultivate Your Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence has become a modern-day buzzword. Academics, self-help coaches, and management pundits have written millions of words and filled hours of airtime explaining the meaning and importance of emotional intelligence. But when it comes to finding ways to enhance this trait, one is left with the arduous task of sifting through a mountain of psychobabble to tease out pragmatic, easy-to-use, and workable strategies. 

So what is emotional intelligence? In psychological terms, it is one’s ability to engage in sophisticated information processing about one’s own and others’ emotions and the ability to use this information as a guide to thinking and behavior (Mayer et al., 2008). In plain English, it means using your emotions in an intentional and intelligent way to improve your well-being. Emotional intelligence increases with age and experience. Research shows that people with high emotional intelligence are likely to be more socially competent, have better quality relationships, and viewed as more interpersonally sensitive than those lower in emotional intelligence (see Mayer et al., 2008).

The four domains of emotional intelligence in order of increased complexity of the psychological processes involved are as below (Brackett et al., 2006):

1. Perceiving emotions: The ability to identify emotions in oneself and others, as well in other stimuli such as voices, stories, music, and works of art.
2. Using emotions: The ability to use emotions for reasoning, problem-solving, decision-making, and interpersonal communication.
3. Understanding emotions: The ability to analyze emotions and emotional language along with the ability to understand how emotions combine, progress, and transition from one to another. It also includes the ability to appreciate the outcomes of emotional experiences.
4. Managing emotions: The ability to reduce, enhance, or modify an emotional response in oneself and others. It also includes the ability to experience a range of emotions while also making decisions regarding the appropriateness or usefulness of the emotion in a given situation.

Within these four domains, skills progress from the more basic to the more sophisticated and this progress happens with age and experience (Mayer et al., 2008). Research shows that people can be trained to enhance their skills resulting in improvement in their social functioning (Kotsou et al., 2011). A plethora of books and training materials on emotional intelligence are available on the internet. Some of these don’t stick to the true psychological concept of  emotional intelligence and delve into flavor of the month topics like motivation, resilience, team building, and relationships that are not a part of the original concept of  emotional intelligence. Four techniques that enhance  emotional intelligence  and are true to the core concept of emotional intelligence are described next.

Questions that increase your ability to perceive emotions  
The cornerstone of  emotional intelligence is the ability to perceive one's own and other's emotions or self-awareness. Daniel Goleman, author of Working with Emotional Intelligence, notes that without the ability to sense your own feelings, you will be hopelessly out of touch with the moods of others (Goleman, 1998). Questions that will provide you with insights into the impact of your words and behavior include the following (Brooks & Goldstein, 2003):

• “How do I hope other people would describe me?” 
• “How would these people actually describe me?” 
• “Is there a significant discrepancy between how I hope people would describe me and how they actually would describe me?”
• “If there is a discrepancy, how can I change my attitudes and behaviors so that others will begin to describe me in the way I would like to be described?”
• “What am I hoping to accomplish in the things I say or do?”
• “Am I saying or doing things in a way that others will be most willing to listen and respond to me?”
• “Am I behaving toward others in the same way that I would like to be treated?”

Questions to use for past experiences as a guide for empathy
Empathy is the linchpin that holds together the concept of  emotional intelligence. Empathy is the ability or capacity to identify or vicariously experience the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of others. Phrases such as “walking in another person’s shoes” or “seeing the world through the eyes of another person” epitomize the concept of empathy. Being able to pick up emotional non-verbal cues such as tone of voice or facial expression is at the heart of empathy. In addition to reading another’s emotions, at higher levels, empathy also entails sensing and responding to a person’s unspoken concerns or feelings and also understanding the issues or concerns that lie behind those feelings (Goleman, 1998). Use the following questions from past experiences to understand what behaviors and actions have nurtured your empathic side (Brooks & Goldstein, 2003): 

• Think of an instance spanning your entire life when someone said or did something that helped you feel comfortable or secure or understood. What was it that this person said or did?
• Think of an instance spanning your entire life when someone said or did something that made you feel uncomfortable or insecure or misunderstood. What about this person’s behavior caused you to feel this way?
• What are three negative interactions you have had with others? How did you feel and react in each case? How would you use these interactions and experiences to guide your current behavior?

Use the above questions to find out if there are certain actions or behaviors that you need to change to boost your ability to empathize. Some barriers to experiencing empathy include pre-formed notions or assumptions of people’s intent (e.g., “People always want to take advantage of me”) and being in a mood not conducive for empathy (e.g., harboring anger, distrust, or hatred).

The PFAT Scan
One of the strategies used to increase awareness of your and others’ emotions is the PFAT scan (Lynn, 2007). This technique is useful in gauging your reactions during a conflict or high-stress situation and makes you aware that there may be other ways of reacting to a situation rather than the usual fight-or-flight response. The PFAT scan includes the following self-check (Lynn, 2007): 

1. What is my Physical body telling me? Heart rate? Dry mouth? Sweaty palms? Clenched teeth? Tense muscles?
2. What am I Feeling? Anxious? Tense? Angry? Defensive? Attacked? Worried? Scared? Challenged?
3. How do I Appear to others? Lunging forward? Glaring? Avoiding? Yelling? Hesitant? Stammering? Sheepish?
4. On what is my Thinking focused? Defending my position? Discrediting others? Redeeming myself?

Think about the last situation where you had a disagreement or conflict with someone. Now, do the PFAT scan on yourself using the above framework for that situation. Next ask yourself, “If I had known my behavior and emotions through the PFAT scan during the time of conflict, then how would have my interaction been different?” PFAT scan can also be used on others to make yourself aware of their reaction and emotions to a high-stress situation.

Identifying your hot buttons

Hot buttons or triggers are events, words, phrases, situations, or a combination of these things that create negative emotions in you (Lynn, 2007). These negative emotions can drive people away from you. Thus, recognizing these hot buttons and not letting yourself give into these will help you maintain healthy interpersonal relationships. You can identify your hot buttons by completing these unfinished sentences (Lynn, 2007):

• I don’t like it when people …
• I feel offended when people …
• I get irritated when people …
• I think it’s rude to …
• At work, I wish people would …
• My work would be a better place if people would stop …
• My home would be a better place if my spouse (or kids) would stop …
• It drives me crazy when …
• If people would only …
• It makes me angry when people say …

Having identified your hot buttons, ask yourself the following four questions: 

1. “When are these hot buttons more likely to set off a negative emotional reaction?” “Is it when I am already feeling irritable (or frustrated, or sad, or lonely), then I am more likely to respond negatively to my hot buttons?”
2. “What is the impact of my emotional and behavioral reaction to my hot buttons on other people?” 
3. “What can I do to overcome my hot buttons or my emotional reactions to my hot buttons?”
4. “Is someone, who knows what my hot buttons are, using this knowledge to negatively impact me?”

In sum, there are easy and practical ways to cultivate one's emotional intelligence. Self-awareness and empathy are two good places to start your journey to work on emotional intelligence. 

To learn more about evidence-based self-management techniques that are proven to work for depression, check out Dr. Duggal's Author Page.

HARPREET S. DUGGAL, MD, FAPA

REFERENCES

Brackett, M. A., Rivers, S. E., Shiffman, S., Lerner, N., & Salovey, P. (2006). Relating emotional abilities to social functioning: a comparison of self-report and performance measures of emotional intelligence. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 91(4), 780-795.

Brooks, R., & Goldstein, S. (2003). The power of resilience. New York, NY: McGraw Hill.

Goleman, D. (1998). Working with emotional intelligence. New York, NY: Bantam Dell.

Kotsou, I., Nelis, D., Grégoire, J., & Mikolajczak, M. (2011). Emotional plasticity: conditions and effects of improving emotional competence in adulthood. Journal of Applied Psychology, 96(4), 827-839.

Lynn, A. B. (2007). Quick emotional intelligence activities for busy managers. New York, NY: American Management Association.

Mayer, J. D., Salovey, P., & Caruso, D. R. (2008). Emotional intelligence? New ability or eclectic traits. American Psychologist, 63(6), 503-517.