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How to Overcome Failures using Self-Compassion and Growth Mindset

One of life's undeniable truths is that you will face failures. How one deals with these failures depends on, besides other factors, your compassion toward yourself and your mindset to adapt to failures. In this context, self-compassion and having a growth mindset help you overcome your harsh inner critic, especially when failures make you judge yourself critically, or feel ashamed, or blame yourself. This article talks about how to use these tools in these situations.  

Self-Compassion

Put simply, self-compassion is compassion turned inwards, i.e., how you relate to yourself in instances of perceived failure, inadequacy, or personal suffering. The three components of the compassionate frame of mind are self-kindness, a sense of common humanity, and mindfulness (Neff, 2011). Let’s consider the following situation to illustrate how you can use three components to deal with an adversity that makes you critical about yourself. You couldn’t meet a deadline at work despite your best efforts and even though your supervisor extended the deadline, you can’t stop feeling bad about the incident and blame yourself for your unsatisfactory performance because you have always held yourself to high standards. Using self-kindness, you use gentle, supportive, and understanding words to accept your shortcomings rather than harshly blaming yourself. For example, “I know I messed up, but it isn’t the end of the world. I understand that it is frustrating to miss the deadline and how this makes me feel. I know I tried very hard to accomplish my task and blaming myself for not performing satisfactorily is only going to get my spirits down.” Using a sense of common humanity, you recognize that all humans fail and make mistakes and no one is perfect. For example, “I know of other people who have not met deadlines at work, and they don’t feel sorry about themselves,” or “Perfectionism is an illusion. No human being is perfect, and nothing done by humans is perfect.” Using mindfulness, you try to focus on the feelings and emotions related to the event without any judgments and without getting caught up in an exaggerated storyline about the negative aspects of the event.

Growth Mindset

Psychologist Carol Dweck describes people having two types of mindsets – the fixed mindset and the growth mindset (Dweck, 2008). Individuals with a fixed mindset believe that their qualities, temperament, abilities, talents, aptitudes, and interests are fixed and cannot be changed. Thus, when faced with a failure, individuals with a fixed mindset attribute this to their lack of talent or ability in the domain they failed (e.g., “I am never good in relationships” or “I am such a loser”). These people mistakenly assume that one doesn’t need to put in effort or take risks to succeed if one is talented to begin with. Therefore, they don’t challenge themselves and don’t reach their full potential. In contrast, individuals with a growth mindset view their personal attributes such as talents and abilities as being malleable and are open to improving themselves by learning from failures, stretching beyond their comfort zone, and making concerted efforts. They don’t blame their personality for failures and their usual response following failures is, “I need to try harder next time.”

Fixed mindset perpetuates a feeling of hopelessness and despair that adversities are a fixed and stable part of one’s future. While individuals with a fixed mindset have been shown to have higher levels of depressive symptoms, growth mindset leads to more action toward solving one’s problems (Dweck, 2008). Individuals with a growth mindset tend to achieve more than those with a fixed mindset because they worry less about looking smart and put more energy into learning. 

A couple of exercises that will help you explore the growth mindset are described below (Dweck, 2008).

1. Think of a person who you believe outdid you and you assumed that they were smarter or more talented. Now get yourself in a growth mindset and consider if this person did one or more of the following:
  • Used better strategies
  • Learned more about what they were doing
  • Worked harder
  • Worked through obstacles
If they can do it, you can do it too!

2. The next time you use a negative label on yourself such as being stupid, idiot, loser, or “this is just how I am,” ask yourself the following question:
              “Is this something I can learn more about, work harder on, or stretch my abilities?”

People usually hold on to a fixed mindset because at some point in their lives it may have served to stoke their self-esteem (e.g., "I am good at this and don't need to improve"). However, when things don't happen according to plan, these people with fixed mindsets ruminate and end up tormenting themselves with the notion that the setback is a reflection of their being incompetent. The good news is that you are in charge of your mind and you can help it grow by using it in the right way. Just being cognizant of the fact that you have elements of both fixed and growth mindsets provides you the impetus to switch from a fixed to a growth mindset, especially when faced with adversities. 

While self-compassion helps you be open to your own suffering rather than avoiding these emotions, growth mindset gives you the impetus to learn more from your failures and buffers you from closing down and accepting your fate. Thus, these two character strengths complement each other in helping you tide over failures 

To learn more about evidence-based self-management techniques that promote mental health and well-being, check out Dr. Duggal's Author Page.

HARPREET S. DUGGAL, MD, FAPA

REFERENCES

Dweck, C. S. (2008). Mindset: The new psychology of success. New York, NY: Ballantine Books.
Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion. New York, NY: William Morrow.
 
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